The official site of CoffeebeanxThe official site of Coffeebeanx
Hello! My name is Shady, and yes that is my legal birth name! If you have any questions feel free to ask in my guestbook :)
I started this page on 02/01/2021 but I didn't really get going until the next day. I got off social media a couple years ago because it was boring and gave me lots of negative feelings. I always thought it'd be cool to have a website, so here we are! I've always loved the old school vibe, and it's really cool to put work into something and see it grow and change.
I'm 25 and got on antidepressants a year ago after having major depression my whole life. With that I have SO MUCH new energy and I have drive and focus and I'm finally in a place where I can put my life together! So I'm taking a year (JUST got settled with the right meds) to figure it out. This is MY gap year lol. So I'm trying out tons of new things, one of which is this site. After a year exploring myself and who I am I plan on focusing on my career and figuring out what I want to do in life. Until then though I'm going to do whatever I want!
As far as my personality and who I am. I'll just say it: I'm a huge fucking loser. I like puns. I had to decide what color I wanted to do my website and I decided black and lavender because I have no taste. I have a list of hobbies I cycle through depending on my mood that I get obsessed with for a week then drop for months (guess what'll happen here). I think reading my blog posts or watching my YouTube videos will tell you way more about me than this little blurb will :) but beware, they're all radically dependent on mood so don't judge off of just one! Or do and then just ROAST me in my guestbook, I'd love that.
I'm queer af. I'm bisexual. I'm technically genderfluid? Idk I'm mostly a woman but sometimes I'm just a human. Actually I'm mostly just a human lol like 90% of the time I feel agender but I just roll with she/her and traditionally female clothes cause I really don't care lol. Like it's not an identity crisis and I don't care about my pronouns so it's all chill chill here.
I love love love politics and activism. I'm a radical leftist, like socialism levels of left, like I would have been given electro shock therapy in earlier eras left. It's a lot lol. I really believe in people and our community and I volunteer at the food pantry twice every week because I really do love and believe in people!
As always, if you have any questions, just ask!
I don't know why this is something that's been on my mind lately, but it has. Often. I've just been thinking of what sorts of rules I live my life by and what my values are. As always, with the new meds, I'm finally able to actually think of these sorts of things so I find myself fixating on certain topics and idk. I want to put them out there and talk about them! I want to be human and alive and wild and scream into the void and have her shriek back that she's proud of me. Is that too much to ask?
I've recently come to terms with the fact that I need to put my money where my mouth is with regards to the community and activism and such. I care a lot about these things, but I mainly just holler in my echo chamber. I've realized, for me, action is more important than what you think in this realm. I can care about the people going hungry all I want, but I've been so frustrated with my inability to do anything about it other than vote, so I've decided to get out into the community and volunteer. It's bullshit work but it's work someone has to do, ya know? And I am someone. Someone who cares. So I act.
Since I've started enjoying things, really for the first time in my life, I've actually cared about work life balance! I just want to stay home all the time and do stuff, forget working! This one is difficult because there's not exactly a lot of wiggle room here. At least for now lol. I guess with work-life balance just do your best!
I think if I had to simplify it, it'd be something like "Live your life and fuck the system" because work-life balance doesn't matter when you're struggling to put food on the table or gas in the car.
I believe in determinism, but I also don't believe that excuses people's actions. Just because it's not their fault, technically, doesn't mean it didn't happen. I think people are completely products of their environment and how they were born. I don't think anyone actually "makes" decisions because they never could have made another one. Take anything, and if it were possible, I believe you could trace every 'decision' back to its roots. I was born with depression, how many decisions did I make that were really just the depression, and could I have done any different? What if due to depression I would have said no to going out with friends, but that morning I had watched an inspirational video because a friend sent it to me and I liked that friend so I said yes to going out. Well my friend sent me the video because she's naturally kind (and was raised to be so) so I've talked to her about my issues so she sent it to help, but the only reason she saw it is because of someone else, and the only reason it was made was because of something else else. I think every 'decision' can be traced back if you go deep enough. Even to the most inane things. I wear certain colors because I was born with a certain number of cones in my eyes, those colors make other people associate me differently. Maybe they made or break a job interview. It's all subconciously, of course.
Sorry for the wall of text! I'll reformat later.
So I don't really hold anyone responsible or accountable for their actions, we're all just products. I'm not saying don't punish people (it's a deterrent that would prevent later behavior that would have otherwise been committed) but I'm not into our current prison system, I believe in rehabilitation. I also believe in changing society so less people go to prison in general. Wouldn't be a thief if you didn't need food sorta thing.
So yeah! Obviously this is just me talking lmao. I want to refine it, but it helps to get it out there, even in it's baby stages. It's nice to come back and see what stays and what goes over time.
Buckle up, motherfucker. Cause it's a LOT.